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MissDior_x

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... [Sep. 29th, 2008|09:54 pm]
MissDior_x
[Current Mood |calmcalm]

i have to say im more than a little annoyed at people. all those kids from up north are mad shiesty and just talk out their ass. its really fucking annoying. tom doesnt understand the whole starting at the bottom thing, and it does take time unfortunately. and before this, before we got settled into what we need to be doing etc. i was not in the right place or state of mind to be doing any of what i do now. i would have just freaked out left and right real bad. and it pisses me off even more because everytime he tried for a girl or even does anything concerning that even talking to them they want nothing to do with him because hes pushy and just gives off a bad vibe and says all the wrong shit. like when i was standing there with kristen and we grabbed eachothers boobs and he butted in. if he wasnt my boyfriend i would have made the same face shit did, only i would have shoved my hand in his face and told him to take a fucking hike. he comes off so fucking bad. like really fucking bad. and it has NOTHING to do with his looks at all. he's extremely good looking, but that type of behavior even to a fucking whore is just annoying and gay and it makes him look pathetic in a way. so for him to say im in the way of his shit is a fucking joke. not to mention if he did get any kind of girls they'd all be either fat and desperate or just plain straight up retardedly dirty. and the fat ones would suck his dick and the grimey girls would do the deed, regret it, and then ignore him and blow him off and shut him out.

he doesnt get that if a girl DOESNT know him for a while, only certain ones will see him for him. and i'd say that ratio is one out of 50. the only reason his exs he knew for a while went for him is because they knew. if he made haste before that 5 bucks says they would have blown him off. and once again has NOTHING to do with looks. its how he comes off, its just shitty and intruding. and when he acts shy, it seems like he hates you but for some reason talks to you. it takes a bit to crack him and he doesnt understand fucking any of that. it drives me up a fucking wall. even if he read this he'd probably just get mad. its retarded. he says how retarded i am and hes even worse just in a different area.

i may have fucked up. and i may have flaws. but instead of just getting pissed off and feeling sorry for myself. at least i try to fucking do something about it and make effort to change for the better.

and he doesnt do anything to fix anything. he just complains and freaks out. "all you do is talk all you are is talk" - well mother fucker if you dont talk about it and talk it out you'll never know and shit wont get done PERIOD. so fuck you. i love you but you're just as retarded. it may be different shit but dont fucking rag on me when you're even worse and cant even own up to your own shit.

right now, you know what like i said i may have fucked up but i make hard ass effort to correct it. and i do. and i change for the better. and i keep it that way and i do the right things. so what you knew better in some areas? that doesnt make you fucking better than me. the fact that you dont change what is rightfully wrong makes you even worse and even more wrong.

blah blah blah all you do is babble sara. fuck you its not babble its the god damn truth. like i said for a man who hates lies you dont like the truth either. and you dont want to hear it. so if you ever dump me and get another girl, all any girl will ever do is lie to you. jackie may not have, but look at her. and even if she didnt cover her ass on most shit i bet you $500 theres no way you couldve found out if she was lying and i bet she did lie but she was just damn good at it.

ok... going to watch a movie with bebe... [crazy SOB]
<3

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an office park without any trees, corperate and cold. [Sep. 4th, 2008|11:32 pm]
MissDior_x
[Current Mood |sadsad]

well i started writing two entries and decided to not finish them and just close the window, but i suppose ill finish this one. for some reason after adding cheech and chong to my gayspace i had to urge to smoke pot again. like bad. i really want to smoke. im a little weary of getting a job here because of the shit between tom and i. i know hes mad and shit but lately i just cant take it. always always always taking it out on me when i just love him so much and want nothing but the best for him and our relationship. i kept thinking today, "if you love something let it go, and if it comes back it was ment to be" but i dont have to balls to let him go because hes really all i want. i know what id tell him if i did go "i love you, i'll always love you, i wont let anyone near me and i wont talk to anyone but my family because i really have no desire to, but i'll be here waiting devistated that you're not with me, that im not with you. and scared to death you'd never ask me to come back or dick me around on it. scared to death you'd just up and get over me." i really dont want to lose him. i've been doing all i can not to. sorry i have feelings and the way he treats me isnt very right at times. and the things he wants are that of a single man not one who has a girlfriend. he wants to cheat on me because he feels he's not done - fine - im allowing that. but some of the things he wants just kill me so bad and i dont think i can handle them. him being with another woman kills me too, just the fact that im with him and hes fucking someone else. and the mere fact that i was witness to it. i just wanted to die. i really CANT handle it. he has no idea what a struggle it is to keep myself together as much as i do and he doesnt even have the common decency to treat me right. i still get emotionally and verbally abused etc the whole fuckin 9 yards.

i sit here and do nothing but work at getting girls for him and he doesnt even appreciate it. he says hes beaten down, if he were in my shoes he'd have successfully killed himself by now. to die over someone as much as i do. there are mutual feelings between us, neither of us could stand not seeing eachother again, and we both cant stand the thought of losing eachother to another. so you'd think he'd wise the fuck up and start being the man he should be. the only things that should matter are me & my feelings and what i think of him, and that the girls are there for him to fuck and he's doing it. he should just fuck them and treat them like nothing, not even show excitement and then embrace me. that was the deal. i'm comming to see he never means a goddamn word he says aside from the fact that he hates me and the shit he hates about me. other than that he brings meaning to nothing. anything good he says that puts me at ease is nonexistant, he doesnt follow through with anything. while i do all i can to prove myself and i follow through with what im supposed to do. everything is so unfair as it is, why does he have to be such a fucking cunt. i love him to death but all of his bullshit is taking a serious toll on me and im losing it. im losing my fucking mind, i've been losing my mind. its just not fair. im paying for my goddamn mistakes at least treat me like your girlfriend. he says he does, theres more to it than just spending fucking time with someone. you're supposed to comfort than person. yeah i know i fucking hurt you, but im hoping to undo that. you have to trust in how i feel about you now. he said he can do that and hes not. he keeps saying shit about other guys and all kinds of shit that completely throws his agreement to that out the fucking window.

like i said, his words are fucking empty aside from anything negative that spills out his trap. i dont get how someone could act so inhuman. on some dumb survey it said to list the 3 things that are most important to me and i didnt put him down and he was like "well what about me? im not important?" - how dare you. i hate when he says shit like that "oh you dont want to kiss me?" - shit like that. but its ok for you to give me the cold shoulder at any given time and just turn your back on me and bitch slap me with your hurtful words left and right, as if i havent heard them enough. as if im not ashamed and filled with enough regret, and he is a fucking reminder of it all every single day.

he talks about how fucking dumb i am and he looks like the retard for continuing the cycle of fucked up shit instead of working at it like i do to break it. i dont fucking trust him as far i can throw him only because his words hold nothing. he never owns up to anything he fucking says unless its bad. and he has the balls to say he feels like shit because of me, when all ive ever done was cherish and adore him. and i do, everyday, i show what i got for him every fucking day. and he still is an ignorant asshole towards everything i say and do for him. im only trying to help him and us so this shit works out while he does nothing but ruin it, for far longer than i ever have. i dont believe my punishment is fair for my wrongs here anymore. i feel like i've already surved my dues through all the suffering hes put me through. the pain hes intentionally inflicted. i could go on and on about this forever because its beyond wrong. and all i mean to do is the right thing. and like i said - this is what i get for doing the right thing - more pain.

i swear on my mothers life, i will never let another man near me. i dont want it. i hate men with a fucking passion. and i hate women too. if he ends it im keeping to myself and just smoking mad pot, my mom said i can grow my own pot in the storage shed above the garage and that only her and i would have a key to it when she puts a key lock on the door. i kept telling her today how afraid of losing him i was and how i just cant seem to handle anything anymore. he really is the most important thing in the world to me. thats why it hurts way more. if he wasnt so important id be in tennessee right now, painting my new room and working and just doing all the things for me that i should have, pampering myself and just not letting anyone near. i guess i could make friends but they'd be nothing more. and i only want to be friends with them if they have pot. other than that i want nothing to do with people. i disgusted me, and people disgust me and i hate them. i'd stay and be retardedly gorgeous and never ever let anyone near because no one deserves it except the man in my heart. and no one could ever ever take his place. but without him i feel like nothing. he's my whole world, existance seems pointless without him. i love tom more than anything on this stupid planet. ive said it a million times, i wouldnt need handbags or anything so long as i had him. i wouldnt care if we were poor, nothing matters so long as hes there with me. it hurts me to think he may never love me. and that hes just holding onto me like im some kind of possession without any intentions of doing right by me like i strive so hard to do for him.

i wish he'd listen to me. and just do it. i know hes not a light switch, but if theres something there he needs to expand on it and open his eyes and see that i've been giving him reason to. he needs to take those reasons and use them. right now the only thing keeping me here with him is my love for him and my physical attachment to him. he's so beautiful, like i've said before, i could touch him and cry. no matter what he does he'll always be an angel to me. i just want this shit done and over with and i need his help. but all the negative shit he does and says does nothing but push everything back, esp. on my end. he needs to get out of "idk" and the inbetween that hes in and pick the side he claims to be on with me and just do this. i dont trust him either, yet here i am just doing it because i made a promise. i keep my promises. i may not have kept some, but 98% i do and did. he's my heart. i never in my life imagined a love this enormous. or that i could ever love someone this much. and i know in my heart only he has that and could ever have that. which means hes perfect. he's handsome, talented, and silly. i just adore him. i never thought someone could be cute and sexy at the same time. he's the only one that ever struck me like that.

i look at him and i fall to pieces...
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(no subject) [Aug. 31st, 2008|05:05 pm]
MissDior_x
[Current Mood |enragedenraged]

why does it seem like because i want to do the right thing by myself and the person i love, i get nothing but pain in return. i get nothing but fucking raped in my goddamn ass and smacked around five hundred times pissed on and shit on. i should've gotten that for the way i was behaving years ago. but no. because i want to do the right thing i get punished. my frustration is intolerable. its driving me up a fucking wall. i dont do anything wrong or say anything wrong. im just not going to talk anymore. i cant even sit at the dinner table with his family and speak. the minute i do i get shouted over and drowned out and there he is spitting something i did wrong. thats all i ever hear about. im really fucking sick of it. i hate that i love him and i want it to go away i cant stand it anymore. but i dont know how to let go of him and i dont think time away from him would do that for me. everything he does and says indicates that he doesnt want me unless its something for his personal benefit like getting him a fucking drink. basically if im not his fucking nigger im just a piece of shit whore. he'd probably get offended that i dont want to love him. or that i even said that. i dont understand how you can be mad at that and then in the next moment purposely say shit to hurt me. and not care about anything that should be important like what someones trying to fucking do for you. the things that should and would matter to a person DONT to him. this is what the fuck should fucking matter.

- that im genuinely sorry for my wrong doings. and am ashamed and filled with regret.
- that i proved that i am serious about forfilling my promise to make up for my mistakes.
- that i give him reason to trust in my feelings for him. that i do love him and am very loyal.
- i have no ill intent and am always eager to please him.
- all i truely want is for this to work and us to be working together & to have eachother.
- i have eyes for no other man, im doing my damnedest just to keep him.
- that all of the above is the truth, and for a man who lates fraud and lies you'd think the truth would fucking mean something.

i've come to learn no good i do matters. no truth matters. the only thing that matters are bad things about me, and all the assumptions he cooks up to try to make me look even worse to him so he can be even angrier at me and hate me even more while i strive to make everything as good for him as i possibly can. fuck the unfairness of the proposal MY WHOLE FUCKING END IS UNFAIR. I GET SHIT ON FOR DOING THE RIGHT THING. I CANT TELL THE TRUTH BECAUSE NO TRUTH MATTERS ONLY WHAT HE THINKS. I AM IN A POSITION WHERE THERE IS NO RIGHT THING TO FUCKING DO. HE LEAVES ME NO OPTIONS. THESE ARE MY FUCKING OPTIONS -

- SIT THERE AND TAKE THE ABUSE AND LET/WATCH HIM FUCK OTHER WOMEN AND COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERY LITTLE FUCKING THING AND HOLD EVERYTHING AGAINST ME AND BE RELENTLESSLY CRUEL UNTIL I JUST CANT TAKE IT LOVE OR NOT AND I JUST PACK UP MY FUCKING SHIT AND LEAVE. IF HE DIDNT WANT ME TO GO EVEN IN THE SLIGHTEST YOU'D THINK HE'D FUCKING DO SOMETHING. BUT HE DOES NOTHING BUT SIT THERE AND BE MISERABLE AND TAKE IT ALL OUT ON ME INSTEAD OF USING ALL THE REASONS HE HAS TO EVEN FEEL A LITTLE BIT BETTER JUST TO KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT A GAME AND I AM NOT FUCKING WITH HIM AND I WILL NOT FUCK HIM OVER LIKE HIS SHITTING EX GIRLFRIENDS

IM STARTING TO THINK HE DESERVES A GIRL LIKE TONYA. BECAUSE ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS BE MISERABLE AND ANGRY, AND YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO FUCK UP AND THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR IT, YOU'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO KNOW. AND IF YOU DONT BUT YOU FIGURE IT OUT THAT DOESNT FUCKING MATTER EITHER. HE JUST WANTS SOME FUCKING SLUT HE CAN CALL A SLUT AND ABUSE UNTIL SHE LEAVES OR HE CAN SEE WHATEVER HE CAN FUCKING GET OUT OF HER. AND ONTOP OF THAT HE DOES ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING TO MAKE HIMSELF FEEL BETTER ABOUT ANYTHING REGUARDLESS OF WHAT FUCKING REASONS HE HAS. HE PUTS BLAME ON EVERYONE BUT HIM FUCKING SELF AND TAKES THE FALL FOR NOTHING AND HE DOES NOTHING WRONG IN HIS EYES, SOMEHOW IT IS ALWAYS MY FUCKING FAULT. FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESNT EXCEPT ANY KIND OF FUCKING EXCUSE HE IS THE KING OF FUCKING EXCUSES.

I AM BEYOND ENRAGED AND HURT. IN HIS EYES YOU CAN EITHER BE PERFECT OR FUCK OFF OR BE ABUSED UNTIL YOU GIVE UP. IT DOESNT MATTER IF YOU'RE A LIVING THING WITH FEELINGS, ONCE A WHORE ALWAYS A WHORE, AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO TO SAVE YOURSELF THERE IS NO SAVING YOURSELF FROM HIM AND THE VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE HE WILL RELENTLESSLY BEAT YOU WITH. TEARS DO NOT BOTHER HIM INSTEAD THEY JUST MAKE HIM ANGRY AND HE DOESNT EVEN CARE. HES SEEN THEM ALL CRY SO MANY TIMES OVER HIM ITS LIKE NOTHING.

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO BE SO HIGH AND MIGHTY THAT YOU CAN JUST WALK RIGHT THE FUCK ALL OVER EVERYONE. AND SOMEONE YOU CLAIM TO EVEN GIVE THE SLIGHTEST SHIT ABOUT. YOU ARE DIGGING YOUR OWN GRAVE, AND YOU CREATE YOUR OWN HELL AND YOU WILL LIE IN IT AND DIE IN IT. FUCK THE ONE PERSON WHO TRUELY MEANS TO DO GOOD BY YOU. FUCK ME ALL TO HELL. FUCK MY ASS AND MAKE ME SUCK YOU OFF AND CUM IN MY FACE AND RECORD IT WHILE YOU'RE AT IT SO YOU CAN JERK OFF AND PRETEND THE TEARS ARE JUST A BIGGER FUCKING LOAD.

NOTHING THAT I FUCKING SAY IN HERE IS A GODDAMN LIE IT IS ALL THE FUCKING GODDAMN TRUTH. FOR SOMEONE WHO HATES LIARS YOU MIGHT NOT SPEAK OD YOUR DENIAL OF ALL THIS BUT IT SHOWS. YOU LIE WITHOUT WORDS AND BELIEVE YOUR OWN LIES.

IM SO SICK OF FUCKING EVERYONE I HOPE THEY ALL GET WHAT THEY DESERVE. I KNOW I HAVE MORE THAN PAID MY FUCKING DUES WITH THIS ENDLESS FUCKING TORTURE. I DONT SEE HOW HE THINKS SO FUCKING BAD OF ME WHEN EVERYONE ELSE BUT ME IS STILL FUCKING CORRUPTED AND FUCKED UP. THEY'RE ALL EQUALLY BAD AND FUCKED UP AND DERANGED AND DESERVE NOTHING BUT TO BE AROUND THE SCUMBBAGS THAT FUCK THEM OVER LIKE THEY DO TO EVERYONE ELSE. TO BE AN INNOCENT AMONG THEM MEANS YOU'RE FUCKED. I NEVER IN MY LIFE EVEN THROUGH ALL THE BAD IVE DONE HAVE EVER WITNESSNESS SUCH FUCKED UP SHIT.

I TOLD HIM - I LEARNED ALOT FROM YOU. FROM HIM, FROM MYSELF, FROM NICOLE, FROM SHELLY, FROM EVERYONE AROUND ME.
I KNOW NEVER TO BE ANY OF THEM BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM IS FUCKED UP.

I AM OUTRAGED TO HAVE BEEN A PART OF ANY OF THAT. I AM INSANELY ANGRY OF MY OWN STUPIDITY. THAT I HAVE FED INTO THIS FUCKED UP BULLSHIT. THEY CAN ALL FUCKING KEEP IT, I REFUSE TO BE A PART OF IT ANYMORE. REGUARDLESS OF WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AND WHAT I LET HAPPEN I KNOW I AM FUCKING BETTER THAN ALL OF THEM NOW BECAUSE EVERY WRONG EVER DONE WILL NOT BE FUCKING REPEATED BY ME. AND NO MAN WILL EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN. I DONT CARE IF HE DOESNT FUCKING BELIEVE ME, IM FED THE FUCK UP BEYOND FUCKING WORDS. THE SHIT IN HERE DOESNT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE ANGER WELLING UP INSIDE OF ME.

IF IM ANGRY OR HURT HE JUST GETS PISSED OFF, IS THAT ANY WAY TO FUCKING ACT? AND HE TALKS ABOUT ME WHEN I LOSE MY COOL? HE DOES IT 24-FUCKING-7 OVER FUCKING NOTHING. SURE HES ANGRY AT ME, AND ALL I GET FROM HIM IS "ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BREATHE AND IM MAD AT YOU" - THATS NO WAY FOR ME TO FUCKING LIVE, HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU FEEL IF THE TABLES WERE TURNED "OH WELL I'D JUST FUCKING SAY - SEE YA" KNOWING FULL WELL HE'D GET OVER IT. THATS NOT RIGHT. FUCK HIM FOR EVER SAYING HE DID RIGHT THINGS, LIKE PUSHING SOME 16YR OLD OFF HIM. AND NOT CHEATING ON HIS EX'S. I NEVER FUCKING CHEATED, BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN SHIT.

NO GOOD I DO MEANS JACK FUCKING SHIT. AND SINCE THAT IS THE TRUTH WHERE THE FUCK DOES THAT LEAVE ME IN ALL OF THIS?

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miss dior cherie [Aug. 12th, 2008|01:22 pm]
MissDior_x
[Current Mood |indescribableidk]

. . .    g o    c o u t u r e    y o u r s e l f    . . .

and so i start this off by saying i hope everything will be ok. tom needs to believe at least in the two things that are true. which is - i dont want anyone but him and his all i have eyes for, and i love him so much it hurts. he does not even in the slightest form have to worry about me leaving him, because the only people i'll be around are the ones to get shit for him, other than that i just want to be left the fuck alone. and i just want it to be me and him. when hes doing whatever, i'll be home taking care of myself and keeping pretty for him. thats all i want to do. when i get phimo clay i'll make magnets and little turntable accessories and such, cause thats all i wanna do, and bake cupcakes. i have no interest in doing anything else. hopefully ill be hanging out with jessica more, and she can come here and we can do stuff together, like shop and what not. elaina would be good for that i suppose. just shopping though, shes too busy to actually hang out and sit here. 

ugh i have to get going to the bank soon and then work which im totally not looking forward to. i need to revamp toms whole shit and character so we can get this shit done. i guess in my own way i was being kind of selfish by protecting myself kinda. im still afraid he might just like someone else better, at this point i feel like anyone is better than me right now. it hurts really bad. because i want to be his everything like he is to me. i want to be his little angel that sits and waits for him, and when he sees me he smiles and kisses me and tells me how much he loves me. esp. since i've given him so much (at that point i suppose) i really want him. more than anything. it makes me so mad to think his exs fucking said anything similar to how i feel. i seriously fucking hate them to death. because i literally cant picture myself with anyone else, and i wouldnt want to. everyone just looks fucking stupid to me. anyone that isnt him just sucks in my book, hes mi bebe, my world, i wouldnt trade him for anything. i dont care about anything but him. not even my own feelings to some degree. 

. . .    w h e n    i    r a i s e    m y    t r i g g a    f i n g e r    a l l   y o u    f u c k a s    h i t    t h e    d e c k    . . .

i wish i could touch him and he could feel just how i do, feel how i feel for him. i adore him. and no matter what he does or how cruel he is i just cant stop loving him and it just keeps growing and growing, its out of control. i love that man so dearly. he just consumes me, completely. and i dont want it any other way. i wish he could just step up and embrace me, even though im the one who hurt him. step up and hold me and go into this with me like he said he would. but time has made him bitter. and in being as such is makes me take steps back when it comes to the proposal. here i am trying to give him something and he is so cruel to me. it needs to stop but i dont even know what to say anymore... im so beaten down i feel like i just cant even move sometimes. but i cant give up on him... because unlike him, with my luck i'd succeed. and thered be no mental hospital, no nothing.

i just fucking love him... i need him... i cant fucking breathe without him... i wish he'd fucking HELP ME. I've been crying out to him, reaching for him and hes been pulling away. I need him to do this. After the first one... I hope he turns his shit around and realizes the loving little girl he holds in his arms at night, and what he means to her... </3

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Narcissistic and mean... [Jul. 29th, 2008|11:35 am]
MissDior_x
[Current Mood |grumpypissed the fuck off]

 Nothing is going right. It will probably take another week before we get a girl and it happens. And ontop of that, I feel like he's trying to do everything possible to make me want to leave. I really dont have any reason to be here aside for my feelings for him. Which he's helping to make them dwindle away. I love him still, and very much so. But it hurts me to see him using me and taking advantage of me and pushing me around and purposely making stabs at me to hurt me. When I with-drew from him last night he kept trying to poke me and pull me near him. I wanted to cry. He is a contradiction of himself sometimes. I really dont want anyone but him. I dont even look at others. And when I do nothing sexual or otherwise comes into mind its still the same as me looking at some 40yr old woman or a child. They mean nothing to me. No one is better than him in my eyes. I dont even really want to have sex period. The only reason I do with him is because I love him and he's the only person I want touching me. I dont even find anyone else attractive. I am afraid that if I do what he wants with that chink bitch, that he will use me for his perversions and still not care. I am really afraid to do it. My health is poor enough. Right now hes angry as usual, and I'm not going to bother texting him or anything of the sort. I'm just going to leave him alone, if he wants to talk to me he will. And if he doesnt, then thats his problem. Hes afraid I'll leave him for someone else. He shouldnt give me reasons to then, even though I dont even think of that shit because its not what I want. Last night was disturbing. He was talking about these bad porn videos that made him not watch it for a month or so. Yet he did something similar to me, videotaped it and jerked off to it. Its ok to pretend I'm not crying and its ok to see me abused over a complete stranger because I'm someone you claim to care about? That doesnt make any sense. I was really repulsed. And then came flooding back the things I had heard about him. Prior to being with him. The chink marks something for me, if he doesnt do as he said he would after I do something like that totally against my will that makes me sick to my stomach - I'm leaving. Period. I've been more than selfless when it comes to him and he's appreciated nothing simply because what? It hasnt happened yet? I keep thinking to a person I knew kind of, I could probably still get to her. But I dont think that I should, it could cause more problems.

When he believes in my ability to do as I promised, I hope he sees the errors of his ways. All I have to do is make friends, where as in Derek would have to go asking around. It would be easier to hook them up but there is no garauntee. And to some extent would take more work. Having a girl to do it gives an upper hand tom has yet to fully see. Amy is just a smell example of the possiblities I am fully capable of. I dont think he knows who his girlfriend is. I never thought the quailty my mother hates in me most would ever come in handy. I am manipulative, narcissistic, cruel, and act on impulse through my anger, I want to watch the world burn. I'm only happy when I've ruined everything I see. I'm only happy when I step on those and inflict misery in doing so to get what I want. There is one thing I dont do though, and that is project my cruelty and use it on those I care about. I dont care about my father. I care and love two people only. Tom and my mother. I do not hate Tom. Why I did to Pj as I did is because I started to hate him. He disgusted me. Shallowness sends me into a rage. Tom is shallow at times. Blinds himself. His untrusting nature fucks with him in my case. And puts a heavy strain on our relationship. It is my fault. But the lack of forgiveness through the gift and effort of another is all his own fault. I am nothing like his ex's or any other girl. I have no remorse for those I cannot feel for. I once inflicted that upon myself. No more. With or without him never again will I subject myself as a lesser being. I am dumb in some areas but in others my intellect surpases alot of people. I forget what we were talking about, something concerning a circle, or how things go in a circle, something him and Terry the black man he work with disgussed. And I answered without knowing but knowing it had to be the answer. For I had never thought about it. And I told Tom "Well I just knew because it makes sense." And he laughed at me and said that I had to have heard that somewhere. I've got news for you Tom, I'm smarter than you give me credit for and I will prove that to you as well. I may be a big baby when it comes to work and adult responsibilities, but as far as knowledge to things like that go I am sharp as a tack.

I think its that trivial things get to me. Like work. Like it all seems so dumb I just cant be bothered because there is no deeper meaning besides making money to live. Even though that in itself isnt dumb. Because it is such a nothing, and not in itself I have a problem taking it seriously. I have a new idea for this girl thing and proposal. If I keep some close and make something of a "posse" of mean girls, not just mean but uncaring who only want the best for themselves. Meaning clothing wise etc. Matierial items. We can shop and get girls for my man and indulge ourselves in the finer things in life such as trips to sephora and juicy couture. And it would be funny to make Amy that way, shes on the verge of doing it. Which is funny, because it'll dig io a nice fucking hole and she'll never be satisfied with anything and will be disgusted by his appearance and personal shit etc. She will try to change him or move onto another. But when it comes down to it, no girl will be more beautiful or precious looking than me. All within due time. :o)

Every girl will be sucking my dick trying to be me, and all they'll ever be is a bunch of nudies on the internet. I want to join one of those jailbait forums and post shitloads of pictures. Every single one I could possibly take of them. That way they really get spread all over the internet. 

Back to meeeeeeee.... hmmm... well. Thats my goal. And my personal goal is for me to look killah. And be killah. Because I think like one. I wish money wasnt so gay.
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why drink the water from my hand... contagious as you think i am... [Jul. 24th, 2008|08:46 am]
MissDior_x
[Current Mood |blahblah]

I know where I stand. I know of misconceptions. I know that even if all goes wrong, I will continue to know right and do right. I know that in some way I can reclaim myself in a sense. I know what he thinks and why. I know he couldnt be more wrong about me. I know I will never leave him or want another. I will do my best to give as promised. I know what to do now. In the midst of all this. Lock away, and get shit done. Lock away... I need to do that. One day I will be sitting there in juicy, eating a red velvet cupcake looking more beautiful than I ever have. It will be cold, and I will mark off the winter in deep reds and burgandy, some greens and browns. And then maybe I can be at peace. It will be some kind of moment like that. I really hope I can get him a ton of girls. But I feel like I need a shiney lure to bring them in [me]. Something some kind of prestine and perfect. As I want to be anyway. I figure, I'll just focus on getting them and making it happen, and myself and polishing, pampering, and primping myself. At my next job, I'll make sure Tom is known as single. And to any man, I dont want anything to do with them and I will make that very clear. I want no man near me. I feel really strongly about that. Its almost as if I were to talk to them even I might as well smear dogshit all over my dior bag. I wont stand for that. Come august 2nd alot of guys might hate me, then again, I will make it clear I am his to all. For the girls that come, they are my objective. A new vision has come into play in my mind... cold air and coffee cakes, solitude. Solitude while I leave Tom to his devices. Me time. Maybe I will start writing again. Or I could sit in the kitchen and watch the snow while I play with phimo clay. That sounds really good. Maybe have some hot chocolate while he delves in his perversion. He can keep it. The peace and quiet sounds real good right now. Not that I dont enjoy his company, but I will have my time. I think in all I need to be alone, while with him, but my time is my time to just sit there and make claythings or shop and stuff like that. Make some magnets, paint my nails, BS with my mom. Maybe run out to duncan doughtnuts and get myself a hot chocolate and a boston creme dought. Thats all I want to do while he does that stuff. And in between smoke with him and have some drinks. Maybe make love here and there. I dont think we should as much as we do or used to. I think I need a break. Not that I dont want to, but he'll be getting some anyway. Maybe on days when its just me and him. Something like that. I'm about to stop caring about what he does for a little while. I'm not so sure I want to take part just yet. Maybe when he realizes what I've been waiting for him to see. Maybe then. But until then I just want to give them to him and mind my own. I dont want him going out by himself though only because I like him with me. I hope I can get the magnitude in a controlled situation. That would be perfect and thats what I'm aiming for. He fucks in the next room, while I go sit somewhere, probably in my car and write in the diary I've yet to own. And just sit there and wait and think about all I feel I need to get done, like shopping... haha. Or maybe I'll be day dreaming about some new sweater... who knows. I know it will be something like that though.
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woke up this mornin', found black dust all around my door... [Jul. 19th, 2008|11:44 pm]
MissDior_x
[Current Mood |lonelydead]

  I am the lowest form of life. I have been beaten, raped, stolen from, lied to, emotionally abused, run down, hopeless, depressed, unlucky, my entire life. But now more so than ever. I see and understand my wrong doings now, and have for quite some time now. I caught on too late, bad things keep happening to me, I just want to die. No one cares about me, nothing good has happened to me, I think I've been more than paying for my mistakes... I feel like I've been and am being endlessly punished. It doesnt matter what right I do, nothing is ever good enough for anyone, I accept and get nothing but my nose rubbed in the dirt and pissed on and walked all over. I've been crying every single day for over a year now, I'm exhausted, my body wont even maintain weight and hasnt for some time now, my nerves are a wreck, I am physically and mentally a wreck and I have to some how hold my relationship together, get what he wants of me, work, try to become more responsible, have my own things I should have as an adult like a bank account, buy all the things I need to live, pay rent, pay for my car insurance, pay for cigarettes, attempt to hold onto what little sanity I have left,  make my $6 an hour, keep up with unemployment, try to think of a real job for me to have, keep talking to people and girls to get girls so like... make an entirely new social life, and lastly with what strength I have left... pray and hope the man I love so much and am doing all of this for will see and love me back someday. I'm so beaten down and broken... If I dont day dream about him and good times and what we could do... I just want to die, I just think about not living because he's my whole world. I sincerely cant picture life without him. I dont want to, its too horrible, more painful than the pain I'm in now which has been physically eating at me more mentally because my brain is on overload trying to process all of this, worrying constantly, if within the next moment my heart will sink in my chest once more where he likes to stab me with his cruel and cold remarks. I need him... he's all I have, and all I want. But I feel rejected and alone and I have felt like that. My heart has been broken and shattered a million times, everytime he dumped me, everytime he made me cry, every time he says something to hurt me, everytime he gets drunk and hates me, everytime hes hurt or sad, everytime I feel like I'm not good enough for him and I'm just dying to be... all I want is him, all I think about is him, I would do anything for him... anything in this world, for him...

 {not finished]
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I won't leave a stone unturned. [Jun. 16th, 2008|09:26 am]
MissDior_x
[Current Mood |crushedcrushed]

I am afraid of leaving "i dont know" if it means the end. I dread this waiting but not as much as I dread that. I'd rather live in this middle ground hell till I cant take anymore, if that time would ever come, rather than just have it all cut off. Last night as I lay there awake unable to sleep because I just couldnt no matter how hard I tried. I kept thinking if I could have one wish to ever come true. It would be to go back in time to the day when I dumped Pj, and to never let anyone near me until Tom and I crossed paths. Knowing he was waiting for me. As I was for him inside, but I didnt know he was the one. I kept thinking of how I should have been and all I should have said and done and what I would have if I haddent listened to that bitch and rely on her to know what life was outside of Pj and I, because I knew nothing about any of that. I knew nothing of what people were like outside of him and I and his friends. All I knew was that I belonged to him, and his family was my family, and my parents were not good to me. My mother was selfish and my father was abusive and barbaric. I felt very alone he was all I had, he was my parent in alot of ways. I keep looking at everything, over and over again, and I'm just a scared little girl, I've always been. Never a woman. Though I wanted to make decisions like one, I wasnt able to because inside I was always just a child. But I made the foolish mistake that all teens do, thinking because I hit puberty and suffered a little and had friends that had more exciting lives than I and I listened to their expieriences and the way they had put it, that I knew everything. Because I tried some drugs and finally had my own friends not just one. But now as I know, there is no such thing as friends. They're all just people you know, not even, you dont even know them, you might, but in all you never do. I remember before Pj, when we still lived with my father, pacing back and forth in my room trying to guess the name of the man who I was to spend my life with. There were three names. Only reason I mention this because Tom was one of them. James, Mike, and Tom. I said them outloud with my name. And then just wrote it all off and laughed knowing I'd never know that. But in that order. Not that I believe in mystical crap or anything like that, it was just coincidence. To think I was smarter when I was younger till now... pisses me off. I remember first meeting Mike, us sitting there talking and laughing, we were watching Ali-G. We somehow got on the topic of anime. And as days passed all we did was talk. We talked about the people we knew and how retarded they were. And before I knew it everytime he was stressed out or if he wanted to hang out otherwise he called me. When we hung out we just sat and watched cartoons and smoked pot. And I told him what little japanese I knew. I remember after that while he looked at me, and I couldnt quite place the expression on his face. It was a mix of shy, eager, waiting, want... And then he pulled me onto his lap and put his arms around me. My face felt really hot and I couldnt even look at him. He laughed nervously and asked me whats wrong. All I could get out was a half choked "nothing" my voice felt really small and I was embarressed. I kept thinking omg he's so cute, how could this possibly be happening he cant like me... he's had prettier girls than me he must have. But I liked him so much. So I leaned back and tried not to be tense. We just sat there for a while. Both nervous I suppose. But we never spoke and finished watching an episode of Aqua Teen. When he got up to grab the remote still holding me to him, our faces came together and he stopped there and looked at me. Then he leaned in, I remember being really scared, then he kissed me. And after that we cuddled and kissed here and there and he held me all that while except for when we got up to smoke and smoke a cigarette. Then he took me home. It wasnt long till after that our friendship became more than friendly. But then when I told him how I felt about him, he got nervous and said we shouldnt see eachother anymore. Said he was uncomfortable now. I remember my mother was there and I printed out the whole conversation and read it to her and cried. And was angry. Saying "How could he, how could he act like that with me like I actually ment something." I remember telling Dana and she just shrugged. As it turned out, Mike was only the 5th person I'd been with at the time but Dana went and fucking pawned me off to him. Dana knew I wasnt like that, but told his friend Ryan whom of which she was dating that if Mike wanted a "hook-up" to hang out with me. I had no idea of this until much later. Over a year. And it was Mike who told me. "I feel like such an asshole, I didnt know you didnt know that... I cant even begin to tell you how sorry I am. If I had known I wouldnt have done that with you or to you. But I wasnt ready for a relationship, and I wasnt thinking along those lines with a girl someone told me is just a hookup because thats what I was looking for at the time. You're one of the prettiest girls I know, if it were set differently then and if I wasnt so scared of relationships, you and I... well you know that already, and I know thats why you liked me. I dont even feel like I deserve to talk to you." And after that I never heard from him again. Till one day I was in the car with Tom when our relationship was new, and he said whats up, and I said "nothing just being with my boyfriend and car." and he said "thats cool." and that was the very last I ever heard from him. I have no more feelings for him now, maybe just some anger. But I dont really hold a grudge against him I guess, its more directed towards Dana and Ryan. I know Ryan told her to do it.

Now with Tom... I remember him showing up at my house with Jimmy. I remember Nicole sitting there talking to Tom online and telling me how much she loved him. "omg tommy brown omg tommy brown" And thats all she talked about. At the time Dana was too cool for us and was with her boyfriend Brad. I remember when they walked through the door I was like "Oh man I hope my mom doesnt wake up..." just thinking. And I remember looking at Jimmy and thinking "Ew omg he has no teeth!" And I whispered that to Nicole after she ran over to Tom in half a skip and hugged him. I sat down with them at the coffee table while they were playing some game I dont really remember. And Jimmy kept touching my shoulder and getting really close and I put my button down shirt back on but left it open. I remember looking at Tom across from me thinking he was really cute but he was Nicoles and was wondering why he wouldnt look at me. So in that moment, I called Mike and I told him "Come get me please... Nicole invited over these two guys and one has no teeth and I'm scared." He said "Alright I'll be there shortly just give me a minute to put clothes on I'm in my pajamas, and stay away from that guy." So I did. And then Tom sat in one of the diningroom chairs, and Nicole sat on his lap and they started making out. I remember I couldnt wait for Mike to get there, and I didnt care about leaving Nicole there because it was better than her driving drunk but I cant stay here with these guys and I dont want to tell them to leave because Nicole really likes him. So Mike finally showed up and I ran over to the door and I know he could see the relief on my face. He hugged me and I just wanted to grab his hand and bolt out the door but I knew I couldnt do that to Nicole. So Mike came in and sat down in the arm chair that was by the coffee table. The whole time I stood by his side. He said hello to everyone and was polite, then as he sat there in silence I asked him if he wanted to smoke he said "Sure." Nicole and Tom continued to make out and Jimmy kept looking over at us to talk or something. But I didnt care he scared the crap out of me. So I ran upstairs and grabbed my pot and blue twister bong and headed out onto the back deck with Mike. I told him to whisper cause my moms window was open. We started smoking and then Jimmy came out. He said "Ah you guys are smokin!? Those two are suckin face in there I'm gettin pretty bored." Mike didnt say anything just looked at me worried and put his arm around my waist. I said "Oh I'm sorry. Tell Nicole I'm leaving shortly and she's not driving because she's drunk." He said "Oh ok I'll leave you twos alone then" and went back inside. After Mike and I came inside I went upstairs and put the bong away and put pajamas on. Then I told Nicole I was leaving and she was almost crying saying I couldnt leave her there. I didnt care, she was safe, I was scared and she had her man. So she should be happy. I told her "You're here with Tom and his friend you know, sit here with them and then go to sleep on the couch you're not driving like that." She argued back but I ignored her and Mike and I left. I remember Slumping in the seat in his car and he was like "That guy was really scarey... I'm glad I got you out of there. But I dont think you should have left them in your house." And I said "I dont care right now, she's been driving me nuts all night she's with the guy she likes she can sit in it." 

Then my second encounter with Tom came shortly after that. Mike told me he didnt like me and I was devistated. I made friends with this kid Will, I thought he was ok, and I liked that he had alot of money. He sounded like someone good to take care of me. He seemed really dumb but I kind of didnt care and he lived really far but he did drive all the way down here to hang out with us that exact night but he left earlier. His friend he was with had a crush on me but I payed no mind to him. And I just talked with Will about pot up until they both left. After that he found me on myspace we started talking in IM yadda yadda. His friend got mad and stopped talking to him. Will and I just talked and talked. Then Nicole insisted I come with her to the vaudeville that she wanted to bring me to a rave, a week before then Will asked me out and I said yes and we just talked everyday. I had never been to a rave before and that was the only time I had ever been in Philly aside from once with my father on business. So I told Will about it and I told him I wanted him to come with me to protect me and we'd get to see eachother again. I thought I'd stay in a relationship with him for a few years and then go find the right man for me. That was my plan with him. But durring the car ride I started realizing how dumb and annoying he was. And I told myself "come on, he's ok you can do this, he's not perfect or really cute but he's not bad looking just go with it, and he wants to be with me and he's serious." So then we got there and met up with Shelly, he started being all affectionate and I just wanted to treat him like he was my boyfriend since he was and I tried being all playful with him. I forced myself to like him. So then we saw Tom and Jimmy there outside, I remember looking at Tom half wishing I was with him he seemed like someone good to protect me. But I chased that thought away because I had a boyfriend and he was Nicoles. And I couldnt do anything but be with Will and Nicole would flip shit because shes head over heels for him. So I blew it off and tried to keep Will happy. We hung out inside and then we went outside to smoke a blunt and we made out, and I kept thinking to myself "I stuck shit out with PJ, he isnt Pj so it isnt AS bad but its still pretty bad and I kind of dont like it." Tom stayed with Nicole and they hung out and I just kept to Will and myself. Trying to do the right thing by my now boyfriend that I intended to keep for shallow purposes. Since he was my boyfriend when we got home my mom said he can stay for the night. We didnt get home till 1 in the afternoon and we just went right to sleep. The next day we did it for the first time but in his car, I really didnt want him in my room. And then we just smoked alot, and then we went to Nicoles to hang out. We all went in the hottub and smoked more and he started laughing like a retard and it really turned me off. In fact I saw that at that point everything about him did. I couldnt put up with it. I was starting to hate him. Nicole kept shooting me looks too because he was acting so retarded so then I decided he had to go. I was pissed because I had wasted my time and I regretted being with him at all and even wasting fake affection on him. After that incident I lied and told Mike I just thought I liked him, just to be with him because I didnt want anyone else. Things were awkward at first but he took me back and we were ok again. I tried to accept that thats what it was and I just shouldnt care so long as I got to be with him at all because I liked him so much. Then I started caring again and I didnt see him for a while.

Afterwards I was a jerk to Tom, because I figured Nicole would always feel that way about him. Anytime he was mentioned all she did was grovel over him. It didnt matter how cute I thought he was. She claimed him. When he told Io he could marry me my jaw dropped and I said "Really... I thought he hated me" in that same small voice from when I was first with Mike. It touched me. My heart fluttered a bit in my chest and I couldnt stop asking questions about him. Then Io told me what he did to Tonya and all that jazz how he used her as a cum dumpster. And I thought "I cant be with a man like that, what if he were to do that to me? What if he used me like others and thats all I was? What if he's just another Mike... I dont think I can do it. But I like him I do." - Then that lead up to him in my living room. And us watching some corny alien movie. I had to ask him why he was single he seemed so good, but I didnt trust it. But something told me he was for real. But I still didnt trust it, I figured he'd use me like everyone else. That night my stomach hurt really bad and he hurt me while we were doing it. But I remember before it even happened, how good it felt to be with him and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because I could never have him. And if Nicole found out I'd lose my friend. So I spent my night with him. Then I told myself "Just stay the fuck away from everyone." And I was ready to be alone and just focus on me and getting my car. Then I thought, well I need to learn more. So I'll just have Dan help me. Even though Dan was devistated from Elaina, maybe he needs a friend. So I messaged him. And he came over that day and we talked and he cried. I was mad at Elaina, at the time I was realizing how everyone around me was just using me, that gave me the strength to want to be alone. And be ok with it. I told myself I should just ignore Tom that it didnt matter how much I liked him, it could never be because of her. I didnt realize fully what she had done to me, just was mad at her for pushing me to go to meets with her when I never even wanted to, I wanted to take care of myself. So I talked about it with Dan. I suddenly got tired of listening to Dan complain and talk about doing fucked up shit to Elaina. And how Patrick was doing the same, prank calling her and him and Kyle chuckled. I thought it was stupid and pointless. Blah blah blah then Dan wasnt helping me at all and became possessive and then started treating me like shit like I wasnt good enough or he didnt want to teach me anything because I was a girl. And I got mad and told him to fuck off. Then I decided to start talking to Tom. Dan kept calling me and I just pretended to be nice because I knew eventually he'd stop and go on with his fucking life. And he did. So I let Tom in. And I fell in love hard and fast but I couldnt stop being a jerk to him. Because in the back of my mind, what I thought that first night I was alone with him, stayed there. 

And it ruined everything... and now he'll never believe me... and I just want to die.

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... [Jun. 15th, 2008|01:25 pm]
MissDior_x

I dont know what to do. I love him but I just dont know what to do and all hope seems to have drained of me. What little he gave me to cling to has been taken away. And now as each day passes and I do no wrong, I do all he wants and says, and there is no change at all, my heart seems to be growing colder. Yet I still cannot bare to be without him, it just feels wrong. It kills me to think I might never see that face again or kiss him or otherwise. He's the only one I want. I dont want to know anyone but him I dont care to. I like all we have together and all we do. And the comforts we make and reside in. I'm content and happy there, and could be even happier if all were to work out. But that chance seems to be becomming very slim. The need to know is eating at me every second of everyday. The more negative and miserable he is and the more he mentions it and harps on it, the more it takes away from that chance ever even happening. The more I feel I should just pack up and go, and then sinks in that feeling of dread of not being near him, not being his. I hate it. To no end. I cant get over it. Something needs to happen. Either he needs to bond with me and love me again somehow, or I need to let my blood run completely cold towards him. Though I could never picture a moment where I dont ache for him, his touch. Just everything. He feels like a part of me. Of all the times I thought that emptiness inside my chest was whole again, it never was, and all the times I thought it would never be. That no one could chase it away, or take that place. He does. Those false feelings of complete I know were just that. Because in the moment they were gone, I did not dread as I did from day one with him. I never once thought "I cant let him go". I never once thought I truely needed them. I may have felt it but it wasnt as prominant. I remember being with Mike, and just the connection I had with him alone was enough to send my heart fleeting. I have that with Tom but more so. He is the perfect combinantion of all the things I wanted in a man, I never thought I'd find him. My anger towards myself for ruining it is relentless. I feel like if this doesnt work out or somehow I wind up leaving and going to shitty Tennessessee, I will never let a man touch me again, and I will make him spend all his money on me. And every girl that is broken or taken, I will fuck them and laugh and laugh in their mans face on how a woman, not a man has taken her from him and used her. And send her home with her wallet empty. There was never any mercy for me. As smart as I am is as dumb as I am sometimes. I dont want to be stupid anymore, I refuse it. I am learning and quicker than ever before. And my hate just seems to be growing the more my eyes open and I see.

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Ich komm wieder als dein Schatten, und werd dich jagen... [May. 14th, 2008|09:25 am]
MissDior_x
[Current Mood |awakeawake]

 So much to do and so little time. Last night was fun and interesting. Tom and Steve got drunk at the bar, and I smoked which I absolutely shouldnt have so I'm drinking water today and later hopefully some beer. I'm pretty happy we found a good protien bar. Those two were trying to eat it on me! But I was like, fuck that. Mine. And I gave them the last two bites. Which at that point I was like "Alright its good, but I'm sick of it now, you two eat it." It was just too much. Then on the way home, Tom & I played redneck roundup. It was hilarious. Tom didnt seem to understand that his car was faster on a turn than the other and handles a million times better. I had to tell him to keep back a bit. And he was still really close.

All I know is that, Tom and I have alot of things we need to accomplish, and together. Like getting that product/program for him and fixing our teeth and fixing his tattoo, mine can wait even though I know since its little it probably wont even be like a hundred bucks. I think I might start painting my nails right now. 

(cant type - painting nails.)

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