I am afraid of leaving "i dont know" if it means the end. I dread this waiting but not as much as I dread that. I'd rather live in this middle ground hell till I cant take anymore, if that time would ever come, rather than just have it all cut off. Last night as I lay there awake unable to sleep because I just couldnt no matter how hard I tried. I kept thinking if I could have one wish to ever come true. It would be to go back in time to the day when I dumped Pj, and to never let anyone near me until Tom and I crossed paths. Knowing he was waiting for me. As I was for him inside, but I didnt know he was the one. I kept thinking of how I should have been and all I should have said and done and what I would have if I haddent listened to that bitch and rely on her to know what life was outside of Pj and I, because I knew nothing about any of that. I knew nothing of what people were like outside of him and I and his friends. All I knew was that I belonged to him, and his family was my family, and my parents were not good to me. My mother was selfish and my father was abusive and barbaric. I felt very alone he was all I had, he was my parent in alot of ways. I keep looking at everything, over and over again, and I'm just a scared little girl, I've always been. Never a woman. Though I wanted to make decisions like one, I wasnt able to because inside I was always just a child. But I made the foolish mistake that all teens do, thinking because I hit puberty and suffered a little and had friends that had more exciting lives than I and I listened to their expieriences and the way they had put it, that I knew everything. Because I tried some drugs and finally had my own friends not just one. But now as I know, there is no such thing as friends. They're all just people you know, not even, you dont even know them, you might, but in all you never do. I remember before Pj, when we still lived with my father, pacing back and forth in my room trying to guess the name of the man who I was to spend my life with. There were three names. Only reason I mention this because Tom was one of them. James, Mike, and Tom. I said them outloud with my name. And then just wrote it all off and laughed knowing I'd never know that. But in that order. Not that I believe in mystical crap or anything like that, it was just coincidence. To think I was smarter when I was younger till now... pisses me off. I remember first meeting Mike, us sitting there talking and laughing, we were watching Ali-G. We somehow got on the topic of anime. And as days passed all we did was talk. We talked about the people we knew and how retarded they were. And before I knew it everytime he was stressed out or if he wanted to hang out otherwise he called me. When we hung out we just sat and watched cartoons and smoked pot. And I told him what little japanese I knew. I remember after that while he looked at me, and I couldnt quite place the expression on his face. It was a mix of shy, eager, waiting, want... And then he pulled me onto his lap and put his arms around me. My face felt really hot and I couldnt even look at him. He laughed nervously and asked me whats wrong. All I could get out was a half choked "nothing" my voice felt really small and I was embarressed. I kept thinking omg he's so cute, how could this possibly be happening he cant like me... he's had prettier girls than me he must have. But I liked him so much. So I leaned back and tried not to be tense. We just sat there for a while. Both nervous I suppose. But we never spoke and finished watching an episode of Aqua Teen. When he got up to grab the remote still holding me to him, our faces came together and he stopped there and looked at me. Then he leaned in, I remember being really scared, then he kissed me. And after that we cuddled and kissed here and there and he held me all that while except for when we got up to smoke and smoke a cigarette. Then he took me home. It wasnt long till after that our friendship became more than friendly. But then when I told him how I felt about him, he got nervous and said we shouldnt see eachother anymore. Said he was uncomfortable now. I remember my mother was there and I printed out the whole conversation and read it to her and cried. And was angry. Saying "How could he, how could he act like that with me like I actually ment something." I remember telling Dana and she just shrugged. As it turned out, Mike was only the 5th person I'd been with at the time but Dana went and fucking pawned me off to him. Dana knew I wasnt like that, but told his friend Ryan whom of which she was dating that if Mike wanted a "hook-up" to hang out with me. I had no idea of this until much later. Over a year. And it was Mike who told me. "I feel like such an asshole, I didnt know you didnt know that... I cant even begin to tell you how sorry I am. If I had known I wouldnt have done that with you or to you. But I wasnt ready for a relationship, and I wasnt thinking along those lines with a girl someone told me is just a hookup because thats what I was looking for at the time. You're one of the prettiest girls I know, if it were set differently then and if I wasnt so scared of relationships, you and I... well you know that already, and I know thats why you liked me. I dont even feel like I deserve to talk to you." And after that I never heard from him again. Till one day I was in the car with Tom when our relationship was new, and he said whats up, and I said "nothing just being with my boyfriend and car." and he said "thats cool." and that was the very last I ever heard from him. I have no more feelings for him now, maybe just some anger. But I dont really hold a grudge against him I guess, its more directed towards Dana and Ryan. I know Ryan told her to do it.
Now with Tom... I remember him showing up at my house with Jimmy. I remember Nicole sitting there talking to Tom online and telling me how much she loved him. "omg tommy brown omg tommy brown" And thats all she talked about. At the time Dana was too cool for us and was with her boyfriend Brad. I remember when they walked through the door I was like "Oh man I hope my mom doesnt wake up..." just thinking. And I remember looking at Jimmy and thinking "Ew omg he has no teeth!" And I whispered that to Nicole after she ran over to Tom in half a skip and hugged him. I sat down with them at the coffee table while they were playing some game I dont really remember. And Jimmy kept touching my shoulder and getting really close and I put my button down shirt back on but left it open. I remember looking at Tom across from me thinking he was really cute but he was Nicoles and was wondering why he wouldnt look at me. So in that moment, I called Mike and I told him "Come get me please... Nicole invited over these two guys and one has no teeth and I'm scared." He said "Alright I'll be there shortly just give me a minute to put clothes on I'm in my pajamas, and stay away from that guy." So I did. And then Tom sat in one of the diningroom chairs, and Nicole sat on his lap and they started making out. I remember I couldnt wait for Mike to get there, and I didnt care about leaving Nicole there because it was better than her driving drunk but I cant stay here with these guys and I dont want to tell them to leave because Nicole really likes him. So Mike finally showed up and I ran over to the door and I know he could see the relief on my face. He hugged me and I just wanted to grab his hand and bolt out the door but I knew I couldnt do that to Nicole. So Mike came in and sat down in the arm chair that was by the coffee table. The whole time I stood by his side. He said hello to everyone and was polite, then as he sat there in silence I asked him if he wanted to smoke he said "Sure." Nicole and Tom continued to make out and Jimmy kept looking over at us to talk or something. But I didnt care he scared the crap out of me. So I ran upstairs and grabbed my pot and blue twister bong and headed out onto the back deck with Mike. I told him to whisper cause my moms window was open. We started smoking and then Jimmy came out. He said "Ah you guys are smokin!? Those two are suckin face in there I'm gettin pretty bored." Mike didnt say anything just looked at me worried and put his arm around my waist. I said "Oh I'm sorry. Tell Nicole I'm leaving shortly and she's not driving because she's drunk." He said "Oh ok I'll leave you twos alone then" and went back inside. After Mike and I came inside I went upstairs and put the bong away and put pajamas on. Then I told Nicole I was leaving and she was almost crying saying I couldnt leave her there. I didnt care, she was safe, I was scared and she had her man. So she should be happy. I told her "You're here with Tom and his friend you know, sit here with them and then go to sleep on the couch you're not driving like that." She argued back but I ignored her and Mike and I left. I remember Slumping in the seat in his car and he was like "That guy was really scarey... I'm glad I got you out of there. But I dont think you should have left them in your house." And I said "I dont care right now, she's been driving me nuts all night she's with the guy she likes she can sit in it."
Then my second encounter with Tom came shortly after that. Mike told me he didnt like me and I was devistated. I made friends with this kid Will, I thought he was ok, and I liked that he had alot of money. He sounded like someone good to take care of me. He seemed really dumb but I kind of didnt care and he lived really far but he did drive all the way down here to hang out with us that exact night but he left earlier. His friend he was with had a crush on me but I payed no mind to him. And I just talked with Will about pot up until they both left. After that he found me on myspace we started talking in IM yadda yadda. His friend got mad and stopped talking to him. Will and I just talked and talked. Then Nicole insisted I come with her to the vaudeville that she wanted to bring me to a rave, a week before then Will asked me out and I said yes and we just talked everyday. I had never been to a rave before and that was the only time I had ever been in Philly aside from once with my father on business. So I told Will about it and I told him I wanted him to come with me to protect me and we'd get to see eachother again. I thought I'd stay in a relationship with him for a few years and then go find the right man for me. That was my plan with him. But durring the car ride I started realizing how dumb and annoying he was. And I told myself "come on, he's ok you can do this, he's not perfect or really cute but he's not bad looking just go with it, and he wants to be with me and he's serious." So then we got there and met up with Shelly, he started being all affectionate and I just wanted to treat him like he was my boyfriend since he was and I tried being all playful with him. I forced myself to like him. So then we saw Tom and Jimmy there outside, I remember looking at Tom half wishing I was with him he seemed like someone good to protect me. But I chased that thought away because I had a boyfriend and he was Nicoles. And I couldnt do anything but be with Will and Nicole would flip shit because shes head over heels for him. So I blew it off and tried to keep Will happy. We hung out inside and then we went outside to smoke a blunt and we made out, and I kept thinking to myself "I stuck shit out with PJ, he isnt Pj so it isnt AS bad but its still pretty bad and I kind of dont like it." Tom stayed with Nicole and they hung out and I just kept to Will and myself. Trying to do the right thing by my now boyfriend that I intended to keep for shallow purposes. Since he was my boyfriend when we got home my mom said he can stay for the night. We didnt get home till 1 in the afternoon and we just went right to sleep. The next day we did it for the first time but in his car, I really didnt want him in my room. And then we just smoked alot, and then we went to Nicoles to hang out. We all went in the hottub and smoked more and he started laughing like a retard and it really turned me off. In fact I saw that at that point everything about him did. I couldnt put up with it. I was starting to hate him. Nicole kept shooting me looks too because he was acting so retarded so then I decided he had to go. I was pissed because I had wasted my time and I regretted being with him at all and even wasting fake affection on him. After that incident I lied and told Mike I just thought I liked him, just to be with him because I didnt want anyone else. Things were awkward at first but he took me back and we were ok again. I tried to accept that thats what it was and I just shouldnt care so long as I got to be with him at all because I liked him so much. Then I started caring again and I didnt see him for a while.
Afterwards I was a jerk to Tom, because I figured Nicole would always feel that way about him. Anytime he was mentioned all she did was grovel over him. It didnt matter how cute I thought he was. She claimed him. When he told Io he could marry me my jaw dropped and I said "Really... I thought he hated me" in that same small voice from when I was first with Mike. It touched me. My heart fluttered a bit in my chest and I couldnt stop asking questions about him. Then Io told me what he did to Tonya and all that jazz how he used her as a cum dumpster. And I thought "I cant be with a man like that, what if he were to do that to me? What if he used me like others and thats all I was? What if he's just another Mike... I dont think I can do it. But I like him I do." - Then that lead up to him in my living room. And us watching some corny alien movie. I had to ask him why he was single he seemed so good, but I didnt trust it. But something told me he was for real. But I still didnt trust it, I figured he'd use me like everyone else. That night my stomach hurt really bad and he hurt me while we were doing it. But I remember before it even happened, how good it felt to be with him and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because I could never have him. And if Nicole found out I'd lose my friend. So I spent my night with him. Then I told myself "Just stay the fuck away from everyone." And I was ready to be alone and just focus on me and getting my car. Then I thought, well I need to learn more. So I'll just have Dan help me. Even though Dan was devistated from Elaina, maybe he needs a friend. So I messaged him. And he came over that day and we talked and he cried. I was mad at Elaina, at the time I was realizing how everyone around me was just using me, that gave me the strength to want to be alone. And be ok with it. I told myself I should just ignore Tom that it didnt matter how much I liked him, it could never be because of her. I didnt realize fully what she had done to me, just was mad at her for pushing me to go to meets with her when I never even wanted to, I wanted to take care of myself. So I talked about it with Dan. I suddenly got tired of listening to Dan complain and talk about doing fucked up shit to Elaina. And how Patrick was doing the same, prank calling her and him and Kyle chuckled. I thought it was stupid and pointless. Blah blah blah then Dan wasnt helping me at all and became possessive and then started treating me like shit like I wasnt good enough or he didnt want to teach me anything because I was a girl. And I got mad and told him to fuck off. Then I decided to start talking to Tom. Dan kept calling me and I just pretended to be nice because I knew eventually he'd stop and go on with his fucking life. And he did. So I let Tom in. And I fell in love hard and fast but I couldnt stop being a jerk to him. Because in the back of my mind, what I thought that first night I was alone with him, stayed there.
And it ruined everything... and now he'll never believe me... and I just want to die.